I’m so lucky – I get to talk to people for a living.
Seeing my patients often feels like catching up with friends – some I’ve known for years, some relatively new friends, but it’s always a lovely, warm conversation.
We usually chat about whatever is on their minds, while I do my work to help their body too.
I’m not a counsellor, but I am a therapist, and I love listening. I also believe it’s important for people to talk and express themselves as part of a therapeutic process, if they wish.
And because I’m also a problem-solver, and a mum who loves a life-hack, I often write down the names of my favourite ‘how-to’ books for my patients and friends, when the conversation takes us there. And I thought I’d share those with you today.
These are the books I’ve found helpful in my life so far, and I try to live by their teachings, whenever I come across a challenge they can help with.
Relationships
The 5 Love Languages
by Gary Chapman
A short and insightful book about how we give and perceive love in different ways.
It sets out to teach that while love is a feeling, it’s also a choice, and to speak someone’s love language may be foreign to you, but vital to the success of your relationship.
You can take the official 5 Love Languages test here [https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language] to find out your love language, and it’s also interesting to learn the languages of the people in your life.
Fight Right
by John and Julie Gottman
The Gottmans wrote several useful books about romantic love, which were based on decades of research with couples from all walks of life.
This book made a lot of sense to me… I wish I’d read it in my 20’s!
The premise is that you can’t avoid conflict in romantic relationships – you are different people, and there’s often a lot at stake – but how you handle it between you will determine whether you’ll thrive and grow closer, or end up growing apart.
Parenting and Pregnancy
How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk
by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
I love this book, and any of the others in this series, with a special mention to the brilliant ‘Siblings without Rivalry’.
It does what it says on the tin – teaches parents how to communicate effectively and lovingly with their children, even when we’re at our wits’ end (so, dozens of times a day) – so that we’re more likely to get the response we want, rather than a shouting match.
It’s easy to read even for tired mums and dads, with comic strips for dialogue examples and lots of relatable stories.
I read this book when my eldest daughter was a toddler, and the tools I’ve acquired from it have stood me in good stead ever since.
Untangled
by Lisa Damour
This book is for parents of teens, and more specifically teen girls.
It breaks down the messy and daunting aspects of adolescence into strands of development, and for each of them you can read what to expect, why it’s happening, and most importantly when to worry and when not to worry.
With my daughter now officially a teen (she turned 13 in March – where has the time gone??), it’s a great source of insight and reassurance.
Sharing some of the insights in the book with her was also beneficial at times, to help her understand what’s happening and feel more in control of the inevitably messy process of growing up.
Hypnobirthing
by Marie Mongan
This book is pure empowerment for pregnant women.
It clearly explains the physiological birthing process, without the fear and medical anxiety that often surrounds it; reminds you how powerful and clever your body is – so you can trust it will know what to do when the time comes to give birth to your baby; and gives you powerful tools to keep reminding yourself of this during birth.
This is so important, because of the autonomic nervous system:
- sympathetic (‘fight, flight or freeze’)
- and parasympathetic (‘rest, digest and reproduce’)
In short, we can only operate one or the other of these 2 systems at any time… and to give birth effectively, you need to be in ‘rest’ mode, whereas many of us end up in a ‘fight or flight’ state due to the pain and anxiety which surround the process of giving birth.
This book (and many similar ones) gives you the information and tools to keep calm and excited about your baby as much as possible during the birth.
Personal Growth
Untamed
by Glennon Doyle
This one is controversial, and may not be for everyone.
But if you’re feeling stuck and unhappy with your life, for whatever reason, I think it’s well worth a read.
It provokes uncomfortable thoughts about how we conform ourselves to ideals of happiness and wholeness that may not actually be our own.
It has challenged my thinking, and empowered me to make some big changes in my life which up until then I was too scared to make.
Never Split the Difference
by Chris Voss
I read this as I was preparing to negotiate the lease on the clinic, and felt out of my depth negotiating with a seasoned landlord. I don’t know if it helped me get a better deal, but I learned a lot.
Written by a top FBI hostage-situation negotiator, it is full of really interesting stories, and then links those to everyday situations where we may be required to negotiate – either at work, making a large purchase or even with our kids or spouse at home.
I liked it because it emphasised that the key to good negotiation is listening, asking questions, and understanding the other side better – aiming to really understand what they want and need from the exchange, and reaching an agreement where everyone feels they are winning.
The audiobook is brilliant too – read in the deep and authoritative voice you’d expect from an FBI tough guy…
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I hope some of these ideas and books resonate with you, and make your life a little better in some way.
Orit x